this one’s for momma.

to say that writing this blog post is tough is quite an understatement. it was just over 2 months ago that i was HEARTbroken to learn that my sweet momma had been diagnosed with leukemia. february 10th to be exact.  and a very quick 18 days later she went to be with Jesus. i had all the faith in the world that if anyone could kick cancer’s butt, it was my stubborn, healthy mom. turns out she had a very rare, fast-acting form of cancer, FLT3 which is a mutant of AML. maybe some day i can share more, but it’s still so fresh. i’ve went from full of peace and joy that she’s not in pain to anger and sadness that my best friend is now gone. and somewhere in between those two ranges of emotions is numbness: where i spend most my days. and i don’t share my story about my mom for pity.  or for sympathy even. i share it to be real.

see i haven’t been in the mood to blog about getting fit for summer. or to ramble on for pages about losing those last five pounds.  because to me, that hasn’t been my reality.  my new reality is learning to live my life without my mom who i talked to every single day…taking care of my family as best i can from 1700 miles away…getting out of bed on days when i don’t feel like it…sorting through emotions that creep in and out of my mind that leave me feeling exhausted…trying to understand why i’m almost giddy happy on some days and not feeling guilty….imagining my future without my mother when i still feel like i need her. that is my reality. and next to probably the most amazing friends and family and a very merciful God, the only thing that’s gotten me through is doing what i do best: take action.

so here’s a weird coincidence that i just now realized: the very day i signed up for and blogged about committing to my first half-marathon was the very same day i found out about my mom: february 10th.  like, i hit publish in wordpress right before i got in my car to head to the gym, called mom and dad… and got the news.  and now, 12 weeks later i sit here the night before reflecting on what has transpired.  only 2 weeks into my training program, i dropped everything to go back to be with mom, then in less than 24 hours of my arriving she was gone. the next 4 weeks were a blur spent in colorado with my family with the last thing on my mind being running or training. a few therapeutic runs here and there, but training, not exactly. upon returning to some semblance of life in california i found running to be the very outlet i needed to process the pain, deal with the depression, and connect with God and my mom. at first the running was more out of distraction and honestly a fear that if i didn’t train for the half-marathon i’d already committed to, i would either not be able to finish, or die trying.  and in the process i found healing in those morning runs all by myself; joy in the sense of accomplishment with each long run conquered.  only 6 weeks consistent training under my mizunos, i shall lace up my sneakers tomorrow at 6:15am not to win…not to prove anything…but to run with all my heart for my mom.

i love you momma…your girl wants to make you proud.


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