[cue the music]
ever heard of the country song “cryin’ on a suitcase”? well, just sub-in the words spin bike
and that was me last night. ok not sobbing, but choked up for sure. luckily, any tear that did fall blended nicely with my sweat droplets and thank goodness for the dark lighting. the crazy part about processing all that’s happened over the past 5 months is just how unpredictable each and every day is. and i’ve found that it can hit me like a truck at any moment: i miss my momma. and aside from all the research that has been done about exercise being the best outlet for handling stress and fighting depression, never before have i believed so much in the power of sweat, until last night.
i have good days – amazing days actually – and soon after comes colliding emotions of guilt. and then i have bad days – days where getting out of bed becomes quite the feat. but most days are just in-betweeners. like yesterday. i wasn’t sad or happy, i just was. maybe a bit on edge or anxious, but it wasn’t til the endorphins got flowin’ and blood got pumpin’ that i realized how much i bottle it up and play tough girl. because that’s what i do. and i love that about who i am – momma taught me to be strong. but the downside can be that i forget to feel and it comes lashing out in a mangy mess.
with my good friend julz at the helm teaching spin, she said 3 things in class that triggered teeny droplets, choked me up, and made me think.
1) “are you running toward something or running away from it?”
fear or faith? that was what initially hit me. am i running toward my faith or running away in fear? so many times in life i’ve found myself doing things out of fear of failure rather than pursuit of passion. but lately, i’ve been running from my faith. i’ve never questioned my faith, but nothing will test it like losing a loved one so suddenly, so unexpectedly. how can i trust a God that didn’t answer my prayer? and without pause, the answer came to me: how can i NOT? now is not the time to run in fear, but to grasp for God.
2) ”athletes always accelerate at the finish line”
at the end of a set of sprints, julz urged us on with this line and glimpsed over at me and nodded with a grin. if you recall, she was my “running angel” who met me at mile 12 of my first half-marathon, ran about a mile with me, and then (literally) gave me a little shove to run the last .2 as i caught up and finished with kev by my side. it still chokes me up as i write this. see, God didn’t create me to give up now. He made me for much (much) bigger things.
3) ”do it for someone else”
set to the song “gone gone gone,” julz cues the class: “think of someone who matters to you – and do it for them. think of them looking down on you – watching you. make them proud.” hello, gut wrencher!? this may be a love song, but when the following words came on, it was all i could do to stay on my bike: “i’ll love you long after you’re gone….long after you’re gone gone gone.” tough? yes. but therapeutic. all that ran through my mind was what i’m doing with team in training as i #run4momma. i know she was proud of anything i did. but especially now as i do it for her, she’s smiling down on me – the most stylish, classy angel in heaven.
i need to be able to process the sadness and if it’s in spin class, well so be it. but i’m also learning to embrace the amazing days too; that i don’t have to put on a happy face all the time. more than anything, i’ve realized that even though God wanted momma in heaven with him and took her from me/us, He also planted people in my life at just the right time to get me through. thank you julz for a rockin’ ride, but more so for your faith-filled friendship.
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